Bye Bye 2008

Another year has come and gone. It's scary how time flies so quickly as you get older and you can barely keep up with it.

2008 was an ok year for me. The last half definitely held more action for me than the first half. I've had my usual moments of heartache and heartbreak but I'm trying to get better at those. I still make stupid mistakes when I drink. Do stupid things, say stupid things.

I reconnected with an old friend and having friends that know you so well is really comforting in these times when people just seem really...I don't know....flaky. Flaky isn't really the word I'm looking for. Transient maybe. I don't know. It's just more of a feeling of 'home' that you get from people who have known you the longest. Not to say I haven't made some great friends in recent years but it's just different. It's a different history.

I continue to learn more about myself and who I am and the things I am willing to accept and the things I cannot. I've come to realize that sometimes the entire human race disappoints me.

And other times the human race exhilirates me.

I am trying to think of resolutions but I don't know how realistic they are. I want to say "travel more", "play an instrument"- but these require money, a resource that is drying up on me.

The one thing I know that I can do is be as positive as possible and keep listening to good music. That doesn't require much of the green paper. So as for my music report for this week I have stumbled across this musician who was born and raised in the Bronx. His name is Ari Hest and his voice is ah-mazing. What led me to him was another amazing musician, Adrian Rhen, who is from Buenos Aires and now lives in Brooklyn. I put my stamp of approval on both of them.

I thought I could think of something more profound to say at the close of the New Year but I'm coming up blank. Maybe it's because I haven't finished my coffee yet.

In any event, Happy 2009. I hope it is a good year for all of us, I think we deserve it.

The Hap-Happiest Season of All!!

I am in full holiday party swing. Have not done one ounce of holiday shopping but I've done a hell of a lot of holiday drinking! Tonight is party number 27 or something like that: our work party at noneother than MEDIEVIL TIMES!!! YES!!!!! Twice in one month, it's almost too much to bare. If I keep up this pace, I should be dead by New Year's. Or at least in dire need of a new liver.

Onto other things. I saw David Sedaris at Lincoln Center the other night. Props to Elsa and Heather. That was freaking amazing!

Did Santacon on Saturday. Typical shitshow fashion. That's the only way I can describe it.

Sitting here writing this, I feel like my pants smell. But I digress...

So this holiday drinking thing has turned into my usual m.o. of saying and doing inappropriate things. Nothing new to report there. I feel so embarassed yet I can't stop. I think I was actually triple fisting drinks last night. NOT OKAY. AA is a-calling.

My head is in a million places, too much to do and think about. I can't focus really.

I tried to start a dream journal. I've been having lots of dreams and remembering them. I started to write them down. I did good for a few days and then pffffttttt. I also realize though that it's so hard to physically write anymore. I'm so used to this computer thing that my hands actually hurt to hand write. Could also be on account of the carpal tunnel but still. And my handwriting looks horrendous! This computer is ruining me. So yeah, there went the dream journal.

Oh yeah and we had Secret Snowflake at work the other day. Only my secret santa didn't come into work or get me a gift. That really inflated my holiday spirit. Yes!

It's been an emotional rollercoaster. And it's just beginning.

I just remembered what I needed to mention in this blog. There was a blurb on the news this morning about a Shop Rite in New Jersey that refused to make a birthday cake for this kid's birthday. Why? Well because his name is ADOLF HITLER CAMPBELL. They didn't want to write "Happy Birthday Adolf Hitler" on the cake. I wonder why?????? And what is wrong with the parents???? Look it up online kids, true story. They named their other kid AryanRace something or other. Fucking freaks. Where do they live so I can go punch someone? What a bunch of tools.

That is all the ramblings for now. But a last music bit. Hot list this week is Christina Aguilera's "Get Mine, Get Yours". I'm also loving Ludacris' "One More Drink" Rocking my world right now.

Giving Thanks

It's that time of year. My favorite time of year. The holidays: when I really appreciate friends and family and there is just that feeling in the air of something special. I love putting up the Christmas Tree, decorations, holiday parties.

In honor of Thanksgiving here are some of the things I am thankful for this year:

- Health (of myself and those close to me). We're all here for another year together and that is no small feat.

-A job. It's tough enough economic times and I'm glad I'm still holding on. Even if it's barely.

-Friends. I have so many great ones and I never take them for granted. There is nothing better than good times with good friends. Even if we can't stay out so late anymore.

-Family. I'm grateful for mine. They are fantastic. I don't know what I would do without them. This includes being thankful for my mom's cooking, my dad's sappiness, my brother's constant insults.

-Life. I'm thankful for every piece of my life, good or bad. For my apartment, my car, for change. For lessons I've learned. I'm thankful for being given opportunities at every turn. Even if they don't pan out to anything, it's still living.

-Whiskey. We all know why. The poison I need to get shit done.

-Making out. It wouldn't be me without saying it.

-Music. I'm so thankful that music keeps getting made. The soundtrack of my life, well where do you even start? It's amazing to me how creative some people are. Songs keep me moving, cheer me up, get me down. I don't know what I would do if there were no music. (Side note- check out the DJ band Girl Talk- simply amazing what they do with hip hop and 80's music. Mashup heaven!!)

-Dreams. They keep me believing beyond what is reality. I don't even know if that makes sense.

I think that's all I have for now. As I think about it, maybe there will be a part II to this post. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

I got worms!

I'm so embarassed. I'm ashamed. I feel so dirty. I got worms!

Okay seriously, I did get a worm virus today through Facebook and for the first time I was a bit paranoid about my own internet security. I think it'll be okay ultimately, but it freaked me out for a few minutes. That's what I get for opening a message that says something like "Wow- the whole internet will see this video". I'm like a kid in a candy store. I get so suckered in that I'm just like oooh, let me click on that. Next thing you know, you have a little worm crawling around and your computer starts crashing. Fun times.

Exciting first week of my 30's- Obama in the White House! Hell yeah bitches! Holla!! It feels great to be part of an era and to be alive during a time like this. I'm not expecting him to be perfect. In fact I can probably guarantee he will not live up to people's expectations in one way or another, but he is also a symbol for all of us. I don't think he'll be a shitshow like Bush. Of course not, I voted for him and I have full faith. But I know somewhere down the line people will question their decision at the first sign of trouble. We have to keep our faith and know that he's going to do his best but it will take time. He's not going to fix this mess the first week or month. Probably not even the first year of his presidency. It'll happen. Patience.

I finally unpacked all of my trinkets at work (well mostly all). I whittled all of my sentimental belongings down to one box. I thought my days of being such a pack rat were over but I guess not. I am settled into my new desk area and things are starting to feel normal again. I have no new embarassing or awkward elevator incidents to report.

I've been trying to write poetry again. It's been awhile since I've picked up any vibes. I needed to be inspired and I guess I have been lately. I think my poetry is more like song lyrics. Maybe I should be a song writer.

Turning 30 I've noticed some things starting to show my age. I have horrible carpal tunnel in my right hand. It's hard to type, click a mouse, clean, even text message. I need to get it checked but it is on my list of doctor's appointments to make. Yes, a list. Like an old lady.

And I think I'm going through some hormonal changes. I have always had a problem with sweating a lot. I say I sweat like a man. Fine. I accept it. But lately it has gotten so much worse. I walk around with those oil blotting papers in my purse at all times and constantly have them stuck to my face. What are my options? Botox on the horizon? Freeze up all those sweat glands? I have no idea. I'm trying to deal but it's not very attractive.

Busy weekend on the horizon. Plenty to do and a do-or-die game of football this Sunday. Either we go big or go home. For reals.

I leave you with my newest musical pics this week. Jams I'm loving:

No Other Love- by John Legend featuring Estelle. Number one, it's got a kick ass reggae beat to it. Number two- it's Estelle. Get to know that name. Everything she touches is gold. She's amazing.

Woman Like a Man- by Damien Rice. It's one of those B-Side tracks. It's a little raunchy but that's what I love about it.

9 Crimes- Also by Damien Rice. He is just amazing. He has a way of conveying all those thoughts you have about love and life in such a poetic and real way. I love him. All the right, the wrong, the tortured. He just gets it.

Everybody Knows- by Ryan Adams. Not Bryan Adams. Ryan Adams.

Peace out, have a great weekend!!!!!

Turning 30 and a stupid Election story

I have made it through to 30. Here I am! Nothing different about that. My birthday was a success in all the ways it could be. I got to spend time with family and friends and finally wear my party dress that I've been waiting a year to wear. I went to Medieval Times and felt like a kid again, my voice hoarse from chanting "FINISH HIM!!!". I spent a lot of time at the Brooklyn Inn afterwards just having drinks, being silly, and shooting the shit. It was a pretty mellow evening but it fit just right.

I finally scraped myself up out of bed on Sunday to make it to football, which we lost AGAIN, and that was sad.

Yesterday we moved offices. It's weird being in a different space but I guess in no time it'll be like home again. It's funny because I have boxes full of little toys and props that used to live on my desk and now there is no room for them. I don't know where they will go.

That brings me to today. Election Day. It's a big one. The news this morning was showing out of control lines at the polls which is making me worried for when I go after work. I'm also feeling really anxious about what the future holds after this election. The world will be a different place tomorrow, for better or worse is yet to be determined.

This morning I got into the new building and barely caught the elevator up. The doors were closing as I got there but the man inside just happened to see me and opened up the doors again. I stepped on and we started chit chatting and he said to me "Today is going to be an interesting day" to which I responded "Oh well we just moved in on the 8th floor...does something special happen on Tuesdays?" and he responded with something about the election. And ladies and gentleman, I am a MORON. I tried to recover from that one but it was difficult. It's not that I don't care about the election but I've pushed it off in my head to be something that I am doing after work. So I wasn't really thinking about it before work.

And also maybe it would have been more on my mind had I not been screwed yet again by the MTA today. It seems that at least once a week I am at the mercy of these fuckers who can't seem to run a train on time. I don't understand how they stay in business. Service is terrible. I can't even think straight. How was I supposed to focus on who is running the country next when I can't even make it to work on time? I really want to have a tourette's style rant on the MTA right now but I am going to reel it in. They suck. I even left early today and still managed to get here 15 minutes late.

Tomorrow...we wait for tomorrow.

Coffee and Secrets

This is no secret: I love coffee. And I've finally perfected making it. It was a horrible few years when I couldn't quite figure out the coffee/water ratio and I just kept making brown water. But now it's on!! I can't get on with my day without that first cup. It really is an addiction, one that I'm happy to have. I'm sure it'll kill me one day, but really, what won't? I discovered International Delights French Vanilla creamer. It makes a world of difference. And not the fat free one- I want all the fat I can get. Mmmm...I just brewed a pot, can't wait to dip in.

Ok secondly- secrets. By sheer nature of either my personality or position in time and space, I realize I am a person that other people tell many secrets to. This is a blessing and a curse. I am honored that people feel comfortable enough to let me in on it all. God knows, I have few secrets to tell so it keeps things exciting. But what happens when these secrets start to get all mixed up and tangled up in my own life and then I can't just proceed the way I want because I know all of this backstage information? It makes for a real shitshow, that's what happens. It forces me to put lots of things on the back burner because secret feelings are involved that only I know about. It puts me in the middle and makes me want to scream!!!! It makes me have to be the better person, the person with a conscience. Crises of conscience don't always go over so well with me. I'm doing a lot better with them but still. Sometimes I don't want to be the better person.

I realize I haven't posted in months and then a one-two punch. I couldn't help it though. I needed to get that out of my system.

The Bitch is Back...

I have made my not-so-triumphant return. Haven't blogged since February- REALLY? Well I guess not much going on.

As for missing the sunshine, well I got plenty of that in. Spring came, then summer and all the sunshine you can ask for.

And as for missing making out, well I got some of that in too. Not plenty but some. Maybe enough to sustain me over the long, cold winter? Probably not.

I spent another summer out in New Jersey. It wasn't nearly as soul shattering as last year but still a great experience. Something about the suburbs just calms me at exactly the time I need it.

I moved into a new apartment that I feel like I have barely been at. It's finally nice to be actually 'living' there. Added bonus: heat finally turned on last night. Guess that phantom boiler problem resolved itself.

After the summer, I made a quick trip to the Outerbanks. Met some new cool new people to add to my life. I'm putting OBX on my revisit list. It wasn't nearly enough time.

And now I am just re-settling into city life. Things like taking the subway. Metrocards that don't work. Or like this morning when I couldn't find a spot for alternate side parking and was forced to drive to work. Welcome back!!!!

I'm playing football again on Sundays. Which means playing flip cup on Sundays or just drinking too much on Sundays (minus the flip cup).

The economy is shit. I put myself on a budget. It's working out ok. I guess just all the talk about the economy is making me feel super stressed about money. I hate that!! But having to decide things like "do i have enough money to go out for one happy hour or two this week?" is really getting me down. I wanted to take hip hop dance class. It's on Wednesday nights and is $15. So far I have had to kick it off the roster the past 3 weeks because I wanted to use that $15 elsewhere. Is this what it's all about? Or is that just being an adult? I have no idea but it's pissing me off. I am in fear of my checkbook. Literal fear. It's scarier to me than Halloween. Each time I get a bill, I swear a piece of me dies inside.

On the horizon: Presidential election. GO VOTE! My 30th birthday. Which wasn't really bothering me but I think subconsciously it is. It seems like a lot of pressure.

That's the nutshell of the past few months. God, February...really? Ages ago. I can't even remember anything. Oh yeah, I find that as I approach 30 my memory is just shit. I can't remember anything. I have to start writing down where I park my car at night. I'm 30, not 70 for chrissake. What are they putting in the water these days??

I always like to throw in a music bit. I have discovered Janet Jackson's song Discipline. It's really sexy. Check it out. I can't stop listening. I saw her last week in concert. She sang that song to a guy she picked out of the audience and strapped into some torture device. It was HOT.

I also really love Lil Wayne's Mrs. Officer. Call it a guilty pleasure song or whatnot but it's the shizz.

I miss the sunshine.

And I miss making out.


The End.

Eye of the Tiger

My rant for this week about the media: the tiger who killed a person and wounded two others at the San Francisco zoo. To the families- well yes, I'm sorry that a tiger killed your loved one. And I'm sorry that a tiger wounded you guys. Lest we not forget that all in all, the tiger is still a wild animal.

The front pages of the newspaper today are really annoying. The media is now portraying this tiger as...as what? As the wild animal that it is? Making it out to be some killer, stalking it's 'prey', like the tiger has been laying in wait for that perfect person to show up so it can attack. This is absurd. It's a wild animal. Something went wrong. It snapped. End of story. But no, I guess we need to make up a whole story behind it. Whether or not it was taunted. Whether or not it has a human like brain that is sooo complicated, like that of a serial killer, who has been plotting this out for months. Are we kidding here? It's really a tad nauseating.

It makes me sad that the tiger was killed. I understand why of course that had to happen. But I'm always on the side of the animal, I can't help it. We think that because an animal has been kept in captivity that it should somehow forget it's natural instincts. That suddenly it should just behave like a good little boy or girl. This is where the debate comes in of nurture vs. nature.

Case in point, I went to Aruba several years ago with my then boyfriend. In the center of this outdoor mall was this huge glass enclosement where they kept a tiger. I believe her name was Tess or Tessa. You could watch Tess for hours through the glass and even better, you could actually pay to go into this enclosure and take a picture with Tess. Of course while taking the picture, Tess was shackled with big chains on every limb, but who notices really? You're taking a picture with a tiger right? The whole scene made me really sad. This tiger was totally alone, had no other tigers that I could tell to interact with. She was enclosed in this pit right across from the hotel I was staying at, so we went there quite a few times.

I remember being sad about it and talking to my ex about it. He brought up a good point. He said that while it was sort of terrible, the other option was that Tess could have been out in the wild and killed already. So in order to live and keep a species alive, this is what we do. It's a catch 22. No one wins really. You could say the animal wins because they get to live but is that really how they should be living? Repressing and surpressing all their natural instincts?

We expect that a caged animal should eventually forget what it is and somehow become 'human'. Think again. This shit happens. It's no one's fault but mother nature. If a tiger out in the wild, let's say in Africa, attacked and killed someone, that would be ok because it wasn't in a zoo right? It wouldn't get nearly this much media attention. It would be a sad story but not the law and order episode it has turned into. It really is just making me sick. It is a tragedy on many levels. The people who were hurt and the tiger that was now killed. Doesn't that now defeat the purpose of propagating the species in captivity?

What we need to remember is this: it's pleasant and quaint and cute to go to a zoo and see animals up close and personal. However, we still need to keep in mind that they are, in fact, animals.

Another case in point: I went to the Bronx Zoo two years ago in the fall. Beautiful fall day, could not get more perfect. I hadn't been to the Bronx zoo since childhood. I was fascinated by every animal I encountered. And the tiger habitat there is NO JOKE. It's beautiful and scary all at once.

I came across the lions, out there in the distance of their little pen. They looked beautiful and majestic out there. All of a sudden, the male started roaring. That was the first time I had ever heard a real, actual lion roaring in front of me. It was again, beautiful yet terrifying. It reminded me that hey, I was on his turf and I best watch my step.

There is no invisible line separating any given animal from us at any zoo. No force field. The line is how they are raised (nurture) versus how much of their nature they have surprssed. At any given time, that natural instinct can take hold and all hell can break loose. And that's what I believe happened here. It's as much a privilege for us to be able to go to a zoo as it is for the animals to be there.

And that's my piece. Amen.

It's the Holiday Season!

Ahh December, December. What a month. Busy busy. I'm EXHAUSTED. It's almost over, one more week.

Looking back on my calendar, I've done a lot this month. We finished up the football season, lost in the playoffs which absolutely SUCKED. We were undefeated up until that point. And we played our hearts out in the freezing cold and snow, only to be robbed. Followed that up with an end of season football party which was off the hook. Dancing, drinking, sweating, etc.

Then came Santacon which was amazing. Picture hundreds of santas, elves, reindeer, etc running around Manhattan, drinking and having fun.

In between all that I got my culture of the year in. Saw Jeff's play Urge which was really something. And then I got to see some ballet performances at Julliard, a la the Baja's.

I've gone to four holiday parties. Done some secret snowflake, white elephant gift swapping. Contracted a rash/allergic reaction from something, went on 2 dates with a lame guy who was going through an 'existenstial crisis', realized that I am only attracted to boys who have girlfriends (and the worst kind: live ins at that!) and I ended it all last night with a cry fest at I Am Legend. All I can say about that is that I'm not a big crier, however when you throw a dog into the mix, all bets are off. And anyone who has seen it can vouch. I was in hysteric sobs, body convulsing, at a certain part of the movie. It left me emotionally exhausted.

Now it's Friday. I still have tons of shopping to do this weekend. The holiday spirit has been sucked from me. I need to sleep, shop, and sleep some more. Maybe try to see Juno at some point.

I've discovered new music along the way. I went to the Knitting Factory (first time!) and saw AM and Bob Schneider playing acoustic sets. It was pretty awesome. I had never heard either one of them before and now I'm hooked. I even talked to AM when he came off stage. I was standing at the little stage door and he came out and I told him his set was awesome and he did a great job! What I really wanted was to comment on his sweater vest but I couldn't find the words.

Napster has been advertising Blake Lewis' (of American Idol fame) new album. I finally decided to give it a listen and really, it's not half bad. I've listened to it about 3 times in the past two days. It's got a nice vibe going on.

So peace out, happy holidays to you and yours and safe travels.

Is it just me?

Or is it totally crazy that there is a new Peterson case in the news where the husband offed his wife? This time Stacey and not Laci. What is up with that?

There was something else I wanted to write about but now I forgot...

In the meantime am I allowed to vent for 2 seconds about what happened to me on Friday at Sweet Melissa's in cobble hill? And by this I mean that I went in for a cup of coffee. The man at the counter just gives you the cup filled with black coffee and you then have to fix it up yourself. The coffee was $1.90 and I handed him $2 and he kept the 10 cents for himself, with a huge smile and a "thank you!". Ummm what??????? Some nerve up in Cobble Hill. I mean he didn't even deserve a tip. What did he do besides pour coffee into a cup? I wasn't going to fight with him over it, but I thought it was a bit presumptuous. Why would I let him keep the change? Was he insane?

I've been doing lots the past few weeks. Went to Boston to see Molly, finally saw The Hall Monitors (thanks to Rachel), and just been doing my thing, keeping busy, showing face, getting out there. Isn't that how you're supposed to meet people? .

When I remember what I wanted to write about, I'll post again.

Peace out!

Turn the other cheek

Sometimes it's hard to determine what is the appropriate situation in which to turn the other cheek. Like when you know someone is lying to you about their age and relationship status, and then they proposition you for a 'date' and fully knowing all of this, you think you still want to go. Because maybe the person is that cute and hey, it's free ass. And by that, I mean free emotionally and physically. Isn't that the best kind? The NSA kind. The kind we all need sometimes.

But what if I was the girlfriend? This is why having a conscience sometimes sucks. I would like to turn the other cheek and forget it and go out with him anyway and see what happens. Then does that make me a ho? Oh that is just disgusting. I can't stand it.

Such crises. Begs me to ask why I even try to be in the game. And why I continue to attract men with ridiculous flaws: such as having a girlfriend.

WHAT THE HELL PEOPLE?????????

If you're a self-proclaimed 'player' then fine. But why be in a relationship? Isn't that a contradiction?

Life: so funny, really. I will continue to maintain that stance.

Hell of a week

In the past week:

I saw 30 days of Night. Give it a medium. Not terrific, not horrible, just eh.

I had a birthday-29 years I've been walking around clueless. Great.

I had a birthday party. Lots of fun.

I had two birthday dinners. 2 birthday cakes.

I attended a wake, only to be called on my way home with news of another death. So within a week I will have attended 2 wakes. And this makes me realize I have some unconventional attitudes toward death.

I discovered the music of 'Handsome Boy Modeling School'. Good stuff.

I caught up on Tell Me You Love Me. I was missing that.

I made the decision that I'm too old to chase anything.

I'm obsessed with the bookclub book about the Fundamentalist Mormons.

It seems my calendar is getting more and more full. And I really like simplicity.

I became a sponsor to someone in need. It's funny that I can be of help to anyone but oh well.

Under the Banner of Horror...

Something more scary than Halloween: Fundamentalist Mormons.

I hope everyone has a great Halloween.

A literal cliche/proverb/metaphor

You know how sometimes you have those moments in life that are just so funny, poetic, deep, etc? And you don't want to forget them. Or they keep resurfacing? I had one such one this summer.

I've made mistakes. Lots of them. Had some unproud moments as of late. All kinds of things I wish I can go back and redo.

Picture it: Manhattan and New Jersey, July 2007.

I attended a work party, got a little tipsy, got dared to ask a cute 22 year old to 'make out'. So I did. Let me mention that I was his superior and I kind of had a crush on him all summer. But he was a smooth, fast talker. A real ladies man if you will. He was the type that was totally out of my league and if I was 18 I would have loved him and stalked him from afar with no satisfaction.

But being older and oh so much wiser, I took the dare without much prodding. I didn't need much. I walked right over to him and said "Hey, do you want to make out?"

And he looked at me, did not even flinch or hesitate and said "Yeah, meet me in the bathroom".

Well I was so taken back that I couldn't even fathom it. I apologized profusely, told him I was dared and to forget it. But I think we both knew that we really wanted it anyway. So after some banter we made our way downstairs. I then got paranoid about other staff people seeing us so he gracefully ushered us into a nearby parking lot. We started making out and it took me about 5 seconds to come to my senses. I pushed him off, said I couldn't do this. What kind of an idiot does that?????? ME!

So anyway I left feeling really giddy like a 22 year old myself. Going to work that Monday was weird because I felt like everyone would be talking and know about it. But oddly enough, he was extremely discreet about it. Things were weird, we didn't really talk, didn't maintain eye contact. But he kept sort of stalking me in my office, looking for reasons to show up and linger, except that other people were always around.

By the fourth day, his lingering was getting creepy. I was alone in the office. I knew he would come a creeping and we had to talk about this incident. I was right on the money. He showed up and we somehow got into the conversation about what happened. Which was really nothing. I apologized, told him I should have known better as his superior, launched into this whole adult like speech, which was so unlike me. He was taken aback. He said that we could either forget it, or pursue it. I told him I felt that I was inappropriate and too old. He told me not to worry about the whole age thing, that he 'had older'. I almost died on the floor. People started filtering into the office at this point. The whole conversation was just weird. It wasn't really resolving anything or going anywhere. He walked away for a second. Came back with a ball in his hand, placed it on the empty chair next to me and said "In your court". I love it! Even recounting it, I love it. What a moment!!! So dramatic and then he walked out.

Anyway the rest of the 4 weeks we had there together were spent sort of flirting, lots of innuendo but no action. I was waiting for him to really pursue something, lay it on the line but it never happened. Towards the end of the summer, he lost the lease on his apartment and wanted to stay over in my dorm room for 1 night. By that point I was so gittery, I couldn't even imagine what that would be like. So I let it go. All of it. The innuendo, the flirtation. In fact another shining moment was him saying to me "You keep playing hard to get. But you have to realize that in the end, I get it". Well that may be true, but he didn't even really try.

I think about him now. Sometimes we say what's up on facebook. I really regret not pushing that to go somewhere. I was scared. I thought he was too cool. Once, I told him that I'd seen his work, that I knew he was a ladies man. He told me the only one he was 'working' was me. I don't know why I was such a mess. But I sit here now completely kicking myself for not taking that 'ball' that was in my court and doing more. I guess maybe I felt like I had made the first move so it was up to him to finish it. Oh well.

I sit, I ponder, I dream about what could have been. It could have been good times. I see his profile on facebook and he looks so damn cute and is so my type with his little sweaters and hipster look. It really kills me. It was just one of those moments in life. A snapshot. I wish I could go back and change what happened from that ball in my court to the end. It could have been good if I let him spend the night and didn't get all crazy about it and say no.

Movies..and other stuff

In the spirit of staying home and resting, I watched some fabulous movies this weekend. Friday I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, again. What a great fucking movie! I can't even handle it. It's so sad. It made me think that some elements of my own life have been 'erased', only without the help of some hysterical medical procedure. It's so funny how things go bad and you say you wish you could forget you ever knew someone and this movie shows what would really happen if you could. And how maybe you wouldn't really want to. I don't know, something about it just continues to get deeper and deeper to me.

Then I watched Brokeback Mountain, again. Another great movie. I can't even stand how tortured Heath Ledger is. Simply fantastic.

Followed by my all-time favorite, Fatal Attraction. I don't even think I need to say more. I really outdid myself on the movies thisweekend.

Lest me not forget that last weekend I finally watched Blood Diamond. Another quality movie to which I can honestly say I never want a diamond for the rest of my life. I don't even like jewelry to begin with. But if I ever were to get engaged, I would settle for a cubic zirconia or moisanite. I wouldn't even know the difference, trust me. Diamonds-they are just not worth it. I don't want that on my hands. Let me also add that Leonardo DiCaprio is aging quite well. He's finally a man, and I like it!

I leave with this. Imagine me saying this in the key of Sophia on the Golden Girls "Picture it: Brooklyn 2007"...you get a save the date to perhaps the dumbest wedding of the year. The save the date is none other than a replica of Bob Dylan's Freewheelin Album, except that Bob Dylan and his lady pal have been photoshopped out and replaced with the faces of the soon to be bride and groom. And then all the tracks on this false "CD" have been replaced to somehow incorporate the bride and groom. If you don't know what album I'm talking about, look it up and you will realize you know it. It's the one of a young Bob Dylan and a lady walking down some New York street arm and arm. Can we all smile and say "Cheese-ey". Now I ask, is this invitation about the couple or their sick obsession with Bob Dylan? Really says a lot.

Music Sh*t

I forgot how much I missed 90's music...until I started watching Journeyman on NBC. When Dan travels through time, they always play the appropriate music. I love it!

Is it wrong that I like Britney Spears' new song?

The song "Young Folks" by Peter Bjorn and John has been playing in every single television show known to man right now. I have heard it in about 17 different programs over the last two weeks. If you don't know what it is, search it and take a listen. I guarantee within seconds you will know the tune. It's not that I like or dislike it. It's just EVERYWHERE

Another great tune right now is KT Tunstall's "Hold On".

Or how about James Blunt's "1973"?

That's all I got.

Peace.

Over and Under It

I'm just wondering...is it possible to be over it and under it all at the same time?

Sometimes knowing too much just sucks. And you know when you think you have things all figured out? And how it's taken you so long to get there and then suddenly something knocks you right the fuck back to where you started? Ugh!!!!!!!! Life. What a joke.

That's just my insides rambling outside. Otherwise, I'm really fine. But I wonder what is my problem in my readiness to just cut things off and detach myself at a seconds notice. It only takes one wrong move on your part: a look, a word, shoes you're wearing, a bad haircut. And I'm done. Poof, like you never existed in my life. I don't know what makes me think I can just do that. It's awful.

I had a good dream last night, though I can't remember it. I hate that too. It was better than the dream the night before about going to the dentist. I have lots of dreams about going to the dentist and my teeth falling out. I know there is some weird psychological symbolism behind that. I sometimes like to attribute it to the fact that I was a dental assistant for 7 years. Who knows?

Other than all that, I really got nothing. Things are boring. I think I'm supposed to be planning a date tonight but I don't really feel like it. I mean when you're just having a physical relationship with someone are 'dates' really necessary?? Where is all this coming from? Craziness.

I'm finally getting a haircut this weekend. I couldn't be more excited, seeing as my hair now weights about 17 pounds and looks like absolute shit. I noticed today a completely gray patch way in the back where I couldn't see. I wonder if someone will love me with my gray patch and all. If not, fuck 'em! Know what? I'm so accepting in some respects. I'll take a man who has a gut, maybe no hair. Not shaved? Perfect, I love a scruffy man. I have very little requirements on the physical end. And then somehow I feel like I need to be perfect. Not have gray hair. Always be perfectly shaved everywhere, smelling good and hiding my gut, being ashamed of it. What the hell is that about? I'm not a barbie doll. Never will be. That is what living in a place like New York does. Beautiful people everywhere and you always feel inferior. And what's worse is that these fat, ugly, bald dudes somehow land these barbizons and then they get on their high horse that they always need to be with women like that. How frustrating for the rest of us.

Leading me to my rant on men and finding perfection. They are so ridiculous that they walk around with this rating system in their head, already programmed into their DNA. And they are in constant search of the perfect 10. Listen in closely retards: IT DOESN'T EXIST. A man will waste his whole life looking for that perfect woman only to die alone realizing she never existed in the first place. It's sad. It's also hilarious. I'm not saying all men do this, but most.

So I went way off topic here, sort of. But it's this sort of stuff that I'm over and under all at the same time. Over it because I can't even deal with it, it's that ridiculous. And under it because in order to play the game you have to become part of the ridiculousness.

Greetings and Salutations

I'mmmm baaack! That's right beyotch's!

It's been a whirwind few months and I am back, quite possibly better than ever. There's too much to even blog about so maybe I write the shortened version? Let's see how that works.

I had an AMAZING summer in New Jersey. Being out there, in the burbs, I finally felt at home and I finally felt some peace. It did wonders for my soul (that's right my actual soul) to just be away and not have to be connected to any of the old B.S. I feel like a completely different person.

Working at camp was a great experience. It definitely had it's moments, both good and bad, and I made it through. I met some great people, managed to have fun, got to have the college experience via Drew University and Townhouse number 12. I got to live in a dorm! Woot! I even enjoyed some good summer romances and came to the realization that it's so good for me to only date people under 25. How refreshing. Maybe that's because some part of me still feels like I'm 21. Nothing wrong with that, right? It's totally acceptable to sneak around, leave my lover's aunt's house at 5 in the morning to get to camp on time, and maybe get a $180 ticket at 1:45 a.m. on a Monday night because I was too love stoned to realize that a flashing red light means you actually have to stop. Things definitely heated up about half way through the summer and life got exciting again.

There was my core 4, the group I always hung out with at camp. We had some good staples like Pizza Tuesdays at Main Street Subs and Secret Burrito Fridays at Tito's in Summit. And so what if I say things like "JK". It's all good. Please bare with me.

Once camp was done, I packed up my dormroom like a college student, went back home and immediately left to go on a cruise with my mom for one week. That was good times. I got to just lay in the sun, listen to music, read. Do all the things I didn't get to do for the previous 9 weeks. Plus I got to spend some quality time with my mom. We had some good laughs.

I guess now I'm just trying to adjust to my real life again. I'm trying to keep my Jersey romance and friendships going but it's hard. The distance is difficult and the money aspect of it. It costs $30 in tolls every time I want to see them and vice versa. We've been seeing each other every weekend now but some how I think that's going to fade. There's always next summer I guess.

I'm going to try to do more concerts. I am missing live music big time. Last week I saw Paolo Nutini. If you don't know him, check him out.

There has been some difficult stuff this summer too. My friend's brother passed away in the Deutsche Bank fire on August 18th. That was definitely a low point. It was probably the saddest wake I have ever been to. And knowing your friend is in so much pain and not knowing how to help or what to say is just really hard.

I found out that the axis of evil is getting married. And really I am not that upset. I am in such a good place that I can't even get emotional about it. I almost feel like something is wrong with me and I should be more upset. But I'm really over it and I hope everyone is happy. It's of course hard news to have to hear but emotionally I am solid.

I also had to sever another friendship which sucks. Someone I really cared for and dated but we are just in different places in life so it's the best thing I guess. It just stinks to have to lose a good friend and someone that you are connected with. It's hard to separate the feelings of friendship and romantic feelings and I get that. It's hard to be one or the other once you've already had that relationship. I'm sad about it but again, not too broken up because the growth I've had has just put me in a place where I'm emotionally mature. Maybe too much so. Sometimes I feel like I'm getting more like a man. Don't know if that's good or bad.

I guess that's really all for now minus lots of details. I think I'm gonna be ok though.

That Time of Year

It's that time of year...



Where work is crazy and I live, sleep, breathe OASIS.



Where I have insomnia and wake up at 5:30 a.m. EVERY DAY



Where the days are long, nights short. Everything is beautiful and green yet I have no time to see it or appreciate it.

Things are happening quick. I'm going out to Jersey in 17 days to tackle being Operations Director. Scary and exciting all at the same time.

I'm staying in Park Slope right now, dogsitting for two cocker spaniels. What I've learned about park slope is that you must have at least one child and one dog to live here. It's a great and beautiful neighborhood. But I'm clearly not eligible.

I've been reading some Zen literature lately in an effort to better myself mentally. It's working. A lot of it has to do with embracing the moment and not focusing on the past or the future. It's also about accepting things the way they are and appreciating things the way they are. And it focuses on re-training your brain to think in a certain way. I feel good about it and about life. And while I'm super stressed and ready to break, I can find my happy place.

Things are changing on a lot of levels and I think it's going to be a good thing. I guess that's really all I can say. The dating scene is null and void right now. I tried things out with Vinny but it was clearly a mistake. He seems to be a bit too sensitive, high maintenance, and downright crazy. He felt I wasn't committed enough and told me he didn't need any more "friends" at the moment. How's that for jumping from zero to psycho in 21 days without even letting us give it a fair shot? Granted, things are hard for me to commit to right now as I'm leaving and busy at work beyond belief. But I could have found a way to make it work if he didn't go completely ape shit on me and tell me that his feelings count, mine don't, and that's that. WHEW. Glad I escaped that one in tact.

But I'm not stressing. It was actually laughable and I had a hard time not cracking up in his face. Apparently this was very serious to him and I didn't want to demean that by laughing. So I let him go off on me for a good 20 minutes and then we hung up. It was great. And I'm great.

That's all for now. Gotta finish my dinner.