Over and Under It

I'm just wondering...is it possible to be over it and under it all at the same time?

Sometimes knowing too much just sucks. And you know when you think you have things all figured out? And how it's taken you so long to get there and then suddenly something knocks you right the fuck back to where you started? Ugh!!!!!!!! Life. What a joke.

That's just my insides rambling outside. Otherwise, I'm really fine. But I wonder what is my problem in my readiness to just cut things off and detach myself at a seconds notice. It only takes one wrong move on your part: a look, a word, shoes you're wearing, a bad haircut. And I'm done. Poof, like you never existed in my life. I don't know what makes me think I can just do that. It's awful.

I had a good dream last night, though I can't remember it. I hate that too. It was better than the dream the night before about going to the dentist. I have lots of dreams about going to the dentist and my teeth falling out. I know there is some weird psychological symbolism behind that. I sometimes like to attribute it to the fact that I was a dental assistant for 7 years. Who knows?

Other than all that, I really got nothing. Things are boring. I think I'm supposed to be planning a date tonight but I don't really feel like it. I mean when you're just having a physical relationship with someone are 'dates' really necessary?? Where is all this coming from? Craziness.

I'm finally getting a haircut this weekend. I couldn't be more excited, seeing as my hair now weights about 17 pounds and looks like absolute shit. I noticed today a completely gray patch way in the back where I couldn't see. I wonder if someone will love me with my gray patch and all. If not, fuck 'em! Know what? I'm so accepting in some respects. I'll take a man who has a gut, maybe no hair. Not shaved? Perfect, I love a scruffy man. I have very little requirements on the physical end. And then somehow I feel like I need to be perfect. Not have gray hair. Always be perfectly shaved everywhere, smelling good and hiding my gut, being ashamed of it. What the hell is that about? I'm not a barbie doll. Never will be. That is what living in a place like New York does. Beautiful people everywhere and you always feel inferior. And what's worse is that these fat, ugly, bald dudes somehow land these barbizons and then they get on their high horse that they always need to be with women like that. How frustrating for the rest of us.

Leading me to my rant on men and finding perfection. They are so ridiculous that they walk around with this rating system in their head, already programmed into their DNA. And they are in constant search of the perfect 10. Listen in closely retards: IT DOESN'T EXIST. A man will waste his whole life looking for that perfect woman only to die alone realizing she never existed in the first place. It's sad. It's also hilarious. I'm not saying all men do this, but most.

So I went way off topic here, sort of. But it's this sort of stuff that I'm over and under all at the same time. Over it because I can't even deal with it, it's that ridiculous. And under it because in order to play the game you have to become part of the ridiculousness.