I've made mistakes. Lots of them. Had some unproud moments as of late. All kinds of things I wish I can go back and redo.
Picture it: Manhattan and New Jersey, July 2007.
I attended a work party, got a little tipsy, got dared to ask a cute 22 year old to 'make out'. So I did. Let me mention that I was his superior and I kind of had a crush on him all summer. But he was a smooth, fast talker. A real ladies man if you will. He was the type that was totally out of my league and if I was 18 I would have loved him and stalked him from afar with no satisfaction.
But being older and oh so much wiser, I took the dare without much prodding. I didn't need much. I walked right over to him and said "Hey, do you want to make out?"
And he looked at me, did not even flinch or hesitate and said "Yeah, meet me in the bathroom".
Well I was so taken back that I couldn't even fathom it. I apologized profusely, told him I was dared and to forget it. But I think we both knew that we really wanted it anyway. So after some banter we made our way downstairs. I then got paranoid about other staff people seeing us so he gracefully ushered us into a nearby parking lot. We started making out and it took me about 5 seconds to come to my senses. I pushed him off, said I couldn't do this. What kind of an idiot does that?????? ME!
So anyway I left feeling really giddy like a 22 year old myself. Going to work that Monday was weird because I felt like everyone would be talking and know about it. But oddly enough, he was extremely discreet about it. Things were weird, we didn't really talk, didn't maintain eye contact. But he kept sort of stalking me in my office, looking for reasons to show up and linger, except that other people were always around.
By the fourth day, his lingering was getting creepy. I was alone in the office. I knew he would come a creeping and we had to talk about this incident. I was right on the money. He showed up and we somehow got into the conversation about what happened. Which was really nothing. I apologized, told him I should have known better as his superior, launched into this whole adult like speech, which was so unlike me. He was taken aback. He said that we could either forget it, or pursue it. I told him I felt that I was inappropriate and too old. He told me not to worry about the whole age thing, that he 'had older'. I almost died on the floor. People started filtering into the office at this point. The whole conversation was just weird. It wasn't really resolving anything or going anywhere. He walked away for a second. Came back with a ball in his hand, placed it on the empty chair next to me and said "In your court". I love it! Even recounting it, I love it. What a moment!!! So dramatic and then he walked out.
Anyway the rest of the 4 weeks we had there together were spent sort of flirting, lots of innuendo but no action. I was waiting for him to really pursue something, lay it on the line but it never happened. Towards the end of the summer, he lost the lease on his apartment and wanted to stay over in my dorm room for 1 night. By that point I was so gittery, I couldn't even imagine what that would be like. So I let it go. All of it. The innuendo, the flirtation. In fact another shining moment was him saying to me "You keep playing hard to get. But you have to realize that in the end, I get it". Well that may be true, but he didn't even really try.
I think about him now. Sometimes we say what's up on facebook. I really regret not pushing that to go somewhere. I was scared. I thought he was too cool. Once, I told him that I'd seen his work, that I knew he was a ladies man. He told me the only one he was 'working' was me. I don't know why I was such a mess. But I sit here now completely kicking myself for not taking that 'ball' that was in my court and doing more. I guess maybe I felt like I had made the first move so it was up to him to finish it. Oh well.
I sit, I ponder, I dream about what could have been. It could have been good times. I see his profile on facebook and he looks so damn cute and is so my type with his little sweaters and hipster look. It really kills me. It was just one of those moments in life. A snapshot. I wish I could go back and change what happened from that ball in my court to the end. It could have been good if I let him spend the night and didn't get all crazy about it and say no.
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