Over and Under It

I'm just wondering...is it possible to be over it and under it all at the same time?

Sometimes knowing too much just sucks. And you know when you think you have things all figured out? And how it's taken you so long to get there and then suddenly something knocks you right the fuck back to where you started? Ugh!!!!!!!! Life. What a joke.

That's just my insides rambling outside. Otherwise, I'm really fine. But I wonder what is my problem in my readiness to just cut things off and detach myself at a seconds notice. It only takes one wrong move on your part: a look, a word, shoes you're wearing, a bad haircut. And I'm done. Poof, like you never existed in my life. I don't know what makes me think I can just do that. It's awful.

I had a good dream last night, though I can't remember it. I hate that too. It was better than the dream the night before about going to the dentist. I have lots of dreams about going to the dentist and my teeth falling out. I know there is some weird psychological symbolism behind that. I sometimes like to attribute it to the fact that I was a dental assistant for 7 years. Who knows?

Other than all that, I really got nothing. Things are boring. I think I'm supposed to be planning a date tonight but I don't really feel like it. I mean when you're just having a physical relationship with someone are 'dates' really necessary?? Where is all this coming from? Craziness.

I'm finally getting a haircut this weekend. I couldn't be more excited, seeing as my hair now weights about 17 pounds and looks like absolute shit. I noticed today a completely gray patch way in the back where I couldn't see. I wonder if someone will love me with my gray patch and all. If not, fuck 'em! Know what? I'm so accepting in some respects. I'll take a man who has a gut, maybe no hair. Not shaved? Perfect, I love a scruffy man. I have very little requirements on the physical end. And then somehow I feel like I need to be perfect. Not have gray hair. Always be perfectly shaved everywhere, smelling good and hiding my gut, being ashamed of it. What the hell is that about? I'm not a barbie doll. Never will be. That is what living in a place like New York does. Beautiful people everywhere and you always feel inferior. And what's worse is that these fat, ugly, bald dudes somehow land these barbizons and then they get on their high horse that they always need to be with women like that. How frustrating for the rest of us.

Leading me to my rant on men and finding perfection. They are so ridiculous that they walk around with this rating system in their head, already programmed into their DNA. And they are in constant search of the perfect 10. Listen in closely retards: IT DOESN'T EXIST. A man will waste his whole life looking for that perfect woman only to die alone realizing she never existed in the first place. It's sad. It's also hilarious. I'm not saying all men do this, but most.

So I went way off topic here, sort of. But it's this sort of stuff that I'm over and under all at the same time. Over it because I can't even deal with it, it's that ridiculous. And under it because in order to play the game you have to become part of the ridiculousness.

Greetings and Salutations

I'mmmm baaack! That's right beyotch's!

It's been a whirwind few months and I am back, quite possibly better than ever. There's too much to even blog about so maybe I write the shortened version? Let's see how that works.

I had an AMAZING summer in New Jersey. Being out there, in the burbs, I finally felt at home and I finally felt some peace. It did wonders for my soul (that's right my actual soul) to just be away and not have to be connected to any of the old B.S. I feel like a completely different person.

Working at camp was a great experience. It definitely had it's moments, both good and bad, and I made it through. I met some great people, managed to have fun, got to have the college experience via Drew University and Townhouse number 12. I got to live in a dorm! Woot! I even enjoyed some good summer romances and came to the realization that it's so good for me to only date people under 25. How refreshing. Maybe that's because some part of me still feels like I'm 21. Nothing wrong with that, right? It's totally acceptable to sneak around, leave my lover's aunt's house at 5 in the morning to get to camp on time, and maybe get a $180 ticket at 1:45 a.m. on a Monday night because I was too love stoned to realize that a flashing red light means you actually have to stop. Things definitely heated up about half way through the summer and life got exciting again.

There was my core 4, the group I always hung out with at camp. We had some good staples like Pizza Tuesdays at Main Street Subs and Secret Burrito Fridays at Tito's in Summit. And so what if I say things like "JK". It's all good. Please bare with me.

Once camp was done, I packed up my dormroom like a college student, went back home and immediately left to go on a cruise with my mom for one week. That was good times. I got to just lay in the sun, listen to music, read. Do all the things I didn't get to do for the previous 9 weeks. Plus I got to spend some quality time with my mom. We had some good laughs.

I guess now I'm just trying to adjust to my real life again. I'm trying to keep my Jersey romance and friendships going but it's hard. The distance is difficult and the money aspect of it. It costs $30 in tolls every time I want to see them and vice versa. We've been seeing each other every weekend now but some how I think that's going to fade. There's always next summer I guess.

I'm going to try to do more concerts. I am missing live music big time. Last week I saw Paolo Nutini. If you don't know him, check him out.

There has been some difficult stuff this summer too. My friend's brother passed away in the Deutsche Bank fire on August 18th. That was definitely a low point. It was probably the saddest wake I have ever been to. And knowing your friend is in so much pain and not knowing how to help or what to say is just really hard.

I found out that the axis of evil is getting married. And really I am not that upset. I am in such a good place that I can't even get emotional about it. I almost feel like something is wrong with me and I should be more upset. But I'm really over it and I hope everyone is happy. It's of course hard news to have to hear but emotionally I am solid.

I also had to sever another friendship which sucks. Someone I really cared for and dated but we are just in different places in life so it's the best thing I guess. It just stinks to have to lose a good friend and someone that you are connected with. It's hard to separate the feelings of friendship and romantic feelings and I get that. It's hard to be one or the other once you've already had that relationship. I'm sad about it but again, not too broken up because the growth I've had has just put me in a place where I'm emotionally mature. Maybe too much so. Sometimes I feel like I'm getting more like a man. Don't know if that's good or bad.

I guess that's really all for now minus lots of details. I think I'm gonna be ok though.